Raising small children with special educational needs calls for very special parent skills. In her new book, In Raising The SEN-Betweeners, Lisa Lloyd gives a moving, honest and intimate account of how she finally learnt to bond with her son Fin.
Published
‘If I could go back in time to me as a terrified new mum, I would tell myself: you can’t force your kids to be happy, as much as you can’t stop meltdowns from happening. I know it sounds obvious, but I spent a long time tiptoeing around, trying to not trigger an outburst, doing mental, and sometimes physical gymnastics to avoid anything that might set them off. It’s not only exhausting, but an impossible task.
Trust me, no one can live like that. It felt like there was suddenly a little dictator running the house and I was simply the slave, the servant – in fact, it is still like that to be honest. The kids think there is a magic fairy running around picking up their shoes, making their food – and don’t even get me started on flushing the toilet. I just want one day that I can look into the toilet bowl and there isn’t a massive turd staring back at me. Just one day.
...we, as parents, can’t put this pressure on ourselves to make our autistic children happy all the time.
Jokes aside, when Fin was young, I was genuinely scared what mood he
would wake up in and I knew that even if he woke up happy (which was
rare), if something triggered him that would be it for the rest of the
day. I remember going into his room and hearing the moaning instantly. I
would get a sick feeling in my stomach knowing I had to face the day
ahead trying to pacify him, often to no avail.
I wish I had understood that we, as parents, can’t put this pressure
on ourselves to make our autistic children happy all the time. I wish
someone had drummed this into me at the start, because I made myself
miserable trying to make the most grumpy, serious baby smile and laugh,
when really I should have just given myself a break.
Let me take you back to six-month-old Fin. We decided to get a baby
photoshoot done. I really wanted one when he was newborn, but all he did
was scream. So, one month turned into two, until it was soon six months
and I realised this screaming wasn’t going away – sod it, we will go
for this anyway. I used to gaze with envy at people’s newborn pictures
on social media. All these gorgeous sleeping babies manoeuvred into
different positions: one looking like he’s in a tractor, then flying a
plane, the next in a basket cuddling a bear . . . and still fast asleep.
How? Are they drugging these babies?
Mine won’t even sleep being rocked for hours in a dark room with a
bottle in his mouth – and these other babies haven’t even stirred while
bloody bungee jumping. This is some kind of sick joke! And the mums too.
They all look glowing and content in the photos, the perfect picture
capturing fierce motherhood in all its beauty. That’s certainly not the
effect my photo would have on people: mine would be more Worzel Gummidge
meets the Night of the Living Dead!
I was missing everything. It’s true when they say comparison is the thief of joy.
I spent the early years of Fin’s life so busy looking at others that I
was missing what was right in front of me. I was missing everything.
It’s true when they say comparison is the thief of joy. It brings
nothing but misery. And this is when I finally let go. I let go of all
my ideas of what parenting looked like. I stopped focusing on what Fin
wasn’t doing and chose to celebrate what he was doing. I began to step
into his world instead of forcing him, literally kicking and screaming,
into ours.
There, standing at the threshold of this new, different, beautiful
world, I looked back at my old life for the last time and said a final
goodbye to who I was before I became a mum. I said goodbye to the life
that was, yes, easier but also emptier. Most importantly, I said goodbye
to the ghost of what I thought motherhood and parenting was supposed to
be. I stared at a life before me full of happy times, chicken nuggets,
sensory toys, ear defenders and tablet time – and I didn’t look back
again.
My top tips for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation:
- Most importantly, stop blaming yourself for everything your child
can’t do. If you don’t take credit for everything they have achieved,
then you can’t feel responsible for all the things they are behind with.
- Stop comparing. Every child takes their own time to do things. This
isn’t a race and the only person you’re competing with is yourself.
- It is impossible to keep your children happy 24/7, so don’t try to
achieve the impossible. Accept the fact that sometimes they will feel
sad, sometimes they will have meltdowns to express how they feel and
that is OK. No one is happy 100 per cent of the time, and children
aren’t any different.
Raising The SEN-Betweeners by Lisa Lloyd is published by Vermilion, price £16.99.
