Around 3.9 million children are growing up with parents who are separated or divorced and it can be an especially challenging time for single-parent families when it comes to starting school. The transition from relaxed holiday mode to structured term time, and the increase in communication and co-parenting that calls for, can be hard to manage. Simran Gupta, Senior Associate Solicitor in the Family team at SA Law, has some helpful advice.
Published
Listen to each other and make decisions together
Each year in the lead-up to school there are inevitably decisions that need to be made. Parents may find themselves in disagreement over who will pay for and buy the new uniform, school shoes and other kit, who picks up on which days, which extra-curricular activities to sign up for and even which friendship groups to encourage.
These are day-to-day parenting decisions as opposed to larger issues, such as which school your child attends, which certainly require parental consultation and agreement. Yet they are still important decisions which will impact your child – and how you deal with them may well dictate what your co-parenting relationship is like going forward.
Where possible try to discuss these issues as and when they arise, listen to each other’s viewpoints and try to make these decisions together. Even if you do not agree, make sure you both feel heard and consider compromises that might help you both get onto the same page.
Try a parenting app
If communication with your ex-partner can be difficult, consider
using a parenting app. These are aimed at making communication easier
and more child-focused. In addition to the usual messaging features,
they often contain a shared calendar which identifies who the child will
be with on any given date. You can use it to chart important school
events, play dates and so forth. You can also propose time swaps, upload
receipts and ask for financial contributions towards school trips,
uniform, clubs and anything child-related. There is a place to upload
and share photographs and a journal so you can keep one another updated.
It all helps to focus your communications and make it easier to discuss
important matters.
Try to be flexible and respect your child’s needs even if they conflict with your arrangements.
Recognise that times – and kids – change!
It might be hard hearing that your child would rather play football
after school than have dinner with you as they have been doing up to now
as part of your shared parenting agreement. Or they want to switch
afterschool clubs to something that eats into your time with them – or
have a sleepover with friends over your weekend together. It can feel
painful, but it is the reality of parenting whatever the family make-up.
It’s important to recognise that the child arrangements you agreed
previously may well need to be revisited today and moving forward.
As children get older, they want their independence, and they want to
feel heard. Try to be flexible and respect your child’s needs even if
they conflict with your arrangements. Consider what they want and how
being rigid may impact on your relationship with them in the short and
long term. If you are struggling with this, consider engaging in
child-inclusive mediation, where your child is given a voice through the
mediator.
Consider also preparing an updated parenting plan that fits around
your child and keep it under review throughout the year. You can
include agreements around bedtimes, homework and screentime that are
implemented in both households giving your child stability and
consistency.
Respect each other’s time
New school clubs, extracurricular activities and friendships groups
will all eat into the child’s time outside of school. Try not to agree
to your child engaging in activities that eat into the other parent’s
time. This sends children a message that it’s okay to do something
before it’s been discussed and agreed by both parents.
If you make unilateral plans for the other parent’s time, this often
creates high levels of conflict as it leaves them either being ‘the bad
guy’ and having to cancel plans your child was looking forward to, or in
a difficult position if they have already made their own plans. Be
considerate, tell children you will pass their request on, then let the
other parent decide how they want to spend their time. This is a real
step towards positive co-parenting.
